of course a bed

This is fun because all throughout college I would buy furniture from Ikea and try my best to remember and refer to furniture by the Ikea name. To this day, Mr. Secondlastwish and I fold clothes and put them in Malm.

If Hootchi Cootchi were Swedish, this is what we would be named:

iron maidenette

I don’t want kids, but this little gal makes me think otherwise. If I could guarantee that my spawn would be a hesher, I might go for it. (via PLAYGIRL blog)

Watch out Bruce Dickinson, she’s still got long hair (this is an Iron Maiden reference which reminds me that I have an Iron Maiden post in the future.)

my life. in chat.

With the invention of gchat my conversations with those in my life have been elevated to a whole new level. These are all different people and for the sake of being nice on the internets I took out their names- I even asked permission of one!

——

me: i also read a somewhere that orgasms and such are hereditary AND i saw dr oz on oprah and he was talking to a lady who was super mult orgasmic (20+) and so were her mom and sisters. but for some reason i just dont feel ok asking my mom and sis about their orgasms

someone else: me neither. i would feel more comfortable asking YOUR mom than mine. bleh.

——

someone else: did you know I’m a strong supporter of helping hands, and have been for ten years do you know i have 5 saves

me: i think maybe i remember something about that?

someone else: do you know what a save is

me: no im confused!

someone else: i’m a pro lifer

me: im confused now

http://www.monkeyhelpers.org/

?!

helping hands?!

——

someone else: i’m reading hootchi cootchi i can’t believe so many men masturbate at work

me: …ha! i cant believe more women DONT!

someone else: i can’t imagine masturbating at any of the jobs i’ve had

me: i was just looking at waxing prices and it says “derriere- $15″ that is all they charge for a ASS WAXING?!

someone else: hahah! what a deal i guess?

me: i think i have at EVERY JOB i have held at least in the past 6 years

someone else: well i’m sure it doesn’t take long!

hahah

me: even at the church basement. im going to hell.

i wonder if getting a full leg wax is worth it?! or if there is a better at home way.

shaving my legs every day would sorta suck, but not really

and luckily for me i dont care about pit stubble strangely

someone else: yeah do the leg wax

i’m mean isn’t waxing better than shaving? like, lasts longer?

me: that is what they say- i have gotten a few bikinis and it lasts about a week. but im also a hairy bitch

someone else: haha are you???

june wrap up!

Since we are going on 4 months old! (omg!) I thought it was time we started doing “wrap ups”- you know basically a “free” post for us that tells you all the good things you missed in the month or reminds you of your favorites. Technically I should have done this yesterday, but we don’t like standards around here. And realizing how LONG this list after I made it makes me think we might start doing weekly wrap ups, but I already made it- so for now June! Recapped!:

wood, wine and boobs

Mr. Secondlastwish dreams of wood-working. I think it would be fantastic if he made crazy shit like this boob cabinet. Behind the cut, boobs maybe not safe for some settings.

my favorite new toy

Dying to hear all about it?! Read more after the jump!

no place like home (again)

One maybe perk of living in LA (depending on your perspective) is seeing famous people. It’s cliche but true that they are around. I’m not SO into celebrities, but when I see them I mention it and talk about it and sneak glances.

Some sightings in the past years that I remember were: Ben Kingsley at Olvera Street, Alicia Silverstone making out with a guy at a vegan restaurant, George from Grey’s Anatomy and Billy Zane (though not together) at the flea market.

And yesterday, my favorite at the derby:

so busy, so slow posting

harnessing the dog

I totally steal from Bean’s blog because he apparently goes through the LiveJournal image stream on a regular basis and keeps track of all the good stuff. This one is kind of strange

And because people seemed to like it the last time around, the knit naked suits beyond the clip were also courtesy of his blog and the LJ stream.

where do unicorns come from?

And Pegasus and Centaur…(click through for the full effect)

From Jason Sho

…a minute for the first minute…

I have always been mildly fascinated by phone sex. Yes I just said that. Mostly that you could actually make a TON of money talking on the phone. I had a second cousin once who was a phone sex operator- she told the family she worked in “customer service”. And for half a second in my 19 year old head I pictured myself laying in bed smoking pot and eating ice cream while talking on the phone all night- and getting PAID for it. But unfortunately all of my phone sex has been for free.

The Morning News has a feature up by photographer Phillip Toledano on his new book Phone Sex- in which he photographed phone sex operators in their homes:

“To the caller, when I first answer, I am the inanimate Barbie. They do not know what I look like, who I am or how I feel. They can only imagine. It is my job to indulge their fantasies, to convince them that I am not a doll. I am their dream turned real. I view every question the caller asks me as a command for me to transform. If they ask if I am blonde, I become a blonde. If they ask how wet I am, I tell them that my panties are drenched. I respond to every sound the caller makes with an affirmation, I encourage them, I breathe life into their fantasy, I carve the doll out of flesh. I do not view myself as this doll, as the commodity. I am the manufacturer who creates her from the blueprint that the caller provides me. When the caller comes, it is positive feedback. Like an architect patting his contractor on the back.”

–

“I’m 60 years old, have a B.A. in Cultural Anthropology from Columbia University, and married for 25 years. I have a son in his last years of college who lives at home. He’s a 4.0 with a double major in English Literature and Religion. Men call me for an infinity of reasons. Of course, they call to masturbate. I call it “Executive Stress Relief.” It’s not sex; it’s a cocktail of testosterone, fueled by addiction to pornography, loneliness, and the need to hear a woman’s voice. I make twice the money I made in the corporate world. I work from home, the money transfers into my bank account daily. I’m Scheherezade: If I don’t tell stories that fascinate the Pasha, he will kill me in the
morning.”

—

Head on over THERE for more.

Via Nerve
(who used one of my favorite operators/quotes)

the wonder of stace hole

Queefing on demand. Who knew?

This lovely Aussie lass provides some direction and examples in a strange and magical video found on Jezebel (where yet again, the comments are fascinating and overshare-y).

(what better way to start the week right?)

mellow melons

This is so very wetdove, in case you hadn’t seen it. (by Sigat Landau via Jezebel)

the golden years

Japan apparently has a steadily growing niche industry of elderly porn, according to this article in TIME. The article describes Japan as one of the most sexless societies - ouch. That seems a little harsh, like intimacy is all about the numbers.

Director Gaichi Kono says the eroticism of elders is captivating to younger viewers. “I think that, as a subject, there is this something that only an older generation has and the young people do not possess. It is because they lived that much more. We should respect them and learn from them,” says Kono passionately.

We really need a modern day Golden Girls. (Nice pipe pal.)

(found via Imprint TALK)

girl on derby action

I read the porn blogs so you don’t have to! How else would I have found this hot girl on derby action!? I know we have at least one derby girl reading and the better half of this blog is looking into being fresh meat, so I figured it was appropriate. Though I totally know the whole staged fighting thing is lame and gives derby a bad rep, I still think these photos are fun. Bizarre Mag has a special roller girl shoot up this month, mostly safe for work except for maybe one or two which sorta are not. I am still trying to figure out exactly what Bizarre Mag is, but I think I like it!

More! And video! AT: Bizarre Mag: Roller Girls

Photographer: Steve Neaves

via Fleshbot

Prior on HC: Sweaty Girl on Wheel Action

jerkin’ the gherkin

1) This is perhaps one of my favorite TV scenes of all time. You should really watch Weeds. (no spoilers here, just funny).

2) The BEST is that there is an ad for pickles in this clip when you watch it on youtube directly. Seriously!

Perhaps not best to watch in a work setting.

this little light of mine…

I’m gonna let it shine!

Behold! After our own heart, THE COOCHIE LAMP:

Ok, technically not a real lamp and most likely a photographic art peice, but that “coochie” tag caught my eye! (yes, I know, we spell it different. which also begs the issue that we do need to address at one point why we chose the name we did and what it means to us)

By Artist: marianne maric

Via Jezebel via Random Good Stuff via somewhere else I am sure

the gays! the weddings!

Now seems like an apt time to write my thoughts about marriage. Yesterday California starting marrying the gays, I’m sure you can Google it.

I’ve never been a big believer in the right to gay marriage - mostly because I’m anti-marriage for everyone. Hear me out.

I GET IT that it’s a lot easier to have a load of rights when you are married. In this sense I’m all for it - allow gay folks (all folks!) to have equal legal rights of course. In the same way that I would love to have the same legal rights of marriage without having to call it marriage or apply some sort of label that I don’t believe in to my partnership.

But what a bunch of legal rights have to do with a religious institution is beyond me.

fun with charts & graphs

I am sort of a geek for graphs, I LOVE making them. The idea that you can take data and find numerous ways to display it gets me strangely excited. That being said! Penis size! Length! Girth! Does size matter? Or is it the motion of the ocean or whatever? Though I am pretty sure it is sorta bullshit and not very scientific (the source site is strangely weird), but still totally funny. Break out the measuring tape- baby arm anyone?!:

(click chart for bigger version (heh!))

Boinkology and Jezebel are always first to the scoop.

–

OK maybe not charts, but you could totally make a chart with these masturbation survey results. I find the following survey data fascinating! Especially the diddling the fiddle at work stats! (I stole the following summary but the raw (heh!) data is linked below):

How we get off.
The most popular position for self love, across the board? Lying face up, totally naked.

Masturbation vs. sex.
Do you know yourself best? Or does your partner know how to touch you just right? Apparently, being in a same-sex relationship increases your chances of getting off with a partner: while 17 percent of straight men and 15 percent of straight women prefer the company of Rosie Palm and her five sisters, only 8 percent of gay men and lesbians prefer a solo stroll.

Ladies are the loud ones …
If you’re a woman, you should probably play some music while you’re playing with yourself: 33 percent of straight women and 34 percent of lesbians moan during masturbation. Only 19 percent of straight and 16 percent of gay men make noise.

… But men are more likely to get busy at the office.
A whopping 67 percent of straight men and 63 percent of gay men reported that they have masturbated at work. Only 52 percent of straight women were double clicking their mouses — but that’s still high compared to the mere 39 percent of lesbians who’ve felt themselves up at work. Are lesbians better behaved?

Gay men like porn best …
33 percent of gay men said they always use porn to masturbate, followed closely by 30 percent of straight men. 18 percent of straight women and 10 percent of lesbians.

… And they also masturbate the most.
74 percent of gay men reported that they masturbate at least once a day. Straight men were a close second, with 73 percent needing release at least daily. It seems women are able to hold out longer: only 51 percent of straight women and 40 percent of lesbians are engaging in daily onanism.

But straight women are the most into toys.
81 percent of straight women use sex toys when they masturbate, as do 73 percent of lesbians. 50 percent of gay men and 36 percent of straight men like a little help from some inanimate friends.

Full data at: Planet Out: Self Pleasure Surveys via the always nsfw Fleshbot

one epoxy finger salute

This would be the ultimate first kiss.

Kiss Your Little Girlfriends Golden Lunchroom Face
Raise Your Middle Finger High
Special Afterschool Embrace

By Ivan Witenstein. Via NOTCOT.

Last Chance!

More fun at Longs Drug Store! I snapped this quickly with my cell (hence the crappy and blurry quality) as a bunch of old ladies were all “wha???”. Technically this is a different Longs than the one that I snapped the “personal massagers” at, but still! Longs!

A few questions:

Who douches?

How old are these packages?!

And why are they SO CHEAP?

I’m tempted to buy them all just because. But then that would be funny for like a day and they would just take up space in my already cluttered but trying to be de-cluttered house.

nasty as you wanna be

I’m commenter of the week on Boinkology! It’s not a particularly strong or articulate comment, but it will do.

They posted the gummy lighthouses that Kat led me to earlier, but I will post them anyway since I have a love of food shaped like genitals.

And on Zoomdoggle they have 2 girls, 1 cake. If you don’t know what that means, Google it. I dare you.

sex semantics

I want to read The Wisdom of Whores: Bureaucrats, Brothels and the Business of AIDS which is highlighted on NPR. (I’m in the midst of reading Bonk and I finished Predictably Irrational which does talk about sex, but I loaned it to my dad who hasn’t given it back and it’s kind of awkward.)

Elizabeth Pisani’s been working on HIV for a long time and one of her big recommendations to really get a handle on the issue is:

“…spending lots more of the available money on prostitutes, addicts and gay guys, and lots less on school kids, pregnant women and church groups,” Pisani writes. “It would mean making fun things (sex, drugs) safe, instead of trying to make safe things (abstinence, monogamy) fun.”

Rad, right? My hefty grain of salt is that I think she’s really focused on HIV. With other STDs - Chlamydia especially - it’s all about the under 25 crowd.

If you would like to geek out with me, keep reading.

omfg! rare sighting! ovulation! caught on camera!

Science is AWESOME and shit!

Ovulation made an surprise appearance on camera during a partial hysterectomy recently. Supposedly these are the clearest pictures to date of ovulation since it is so damn tricky to catch in the act.

Scientists were a. surprised that the whole process took about 15 minutes and b. it was not a violent explosion as previously thought.

Sciencey pictures of the whole gross awesomeness of your insides working the magic after the jump.

pill poppin’

This has been tagged on my Bloglines for awhile and I keep forgetting to post because it’s not that interesting. Yet. We have to make it interesting.

Help this gal write a book about the Pill.

I think this could be an interesting project because I’ve had SO many conversations about hormonal birth control, it’s crazy. The hate, the love, the offs, the ons, the acne, the libido, the cancer, the no cancer. Total drama.

The Pill is often considered one of the most important innovations of the twentieth century. As I investigate this claim for a new book—set for release on the 50th anniversary of the Pill’s FDA approval (Basic Books, 2010)—I’m looking to include the voices and stories of real people. I hope yours will be one of them. I’m eager to hear from men as well as women, of all ages and backgrounds.

· Have you or any of your partners taken the Pill? Why or why not? How did it work for you—physically, emotionally, and ethically? How has it compared with other contraceptive methods you or your partners have used?
· What has been the impact of the Pill on your sex life, relationships, political or social attitudes, and beliefs about the medical or pharmaceutical establishments?
· Do you have opinions about public policies related to access, availability, approval or limitations on the development and distribution of the Pill and related contraceptive products (the patch, the “morning after pill,” long-term injections, etc.).
· Anything else you think I should know?

Link to the original request found on Feministe.