vamp fantasy

I just finished – sort of shamefully – the Twilight series. And also, sort of shamefully I watched the Twilight movie. And then (this is where it gets truly confessional), I kind of read up on the Comic Con panel about New Moon and maybe I even searched a little online about the movies and where they are going and what the new Jacob looks like and stuff like that. I feel dirty.

I’ve channeled this shame into true academic inquiry for you fair Hootchi Cootchi readers. I have been pondering, why exactly do gals (and some guys) love the vampires? This is a question I have pondered on the likes of Facebook with mixed results ranging from snarky (double penetration) to what I think is more true – the fantasy.

I’m really wondering because it’s not like there is just one vampire out there on TV or in movies. It’s not like Angel and Edward Cullen really have anything in common lookwise.

And the mythology of vampires is pretty varied. There’s the soulless killers of Buffy, to the “mainstreaming” Bills of True Blood surviving on synthetic blood, to the shamefully stupid glitter-in-the-sun Twilight vamps.

Finally, I think my vote is going into “it’s the fantasy” camp (thank you Becky). Specifically, I think it’s all about the fantasy of crazy obsessive love that doesn’t really require any of the work of a real relationship. Love that happens spontaneously and most often when the girl (since boys are overwhelming the vamps) has some sort of flaw that separates her from society but that’s what triggers the relationship.

Thus, vamp lovers (ugh, sorry) read/watch vamp fiction and imagine our flaws being lovable – not even normal lovable, but sexy love-making, crazy, obsessive, immediate and inexplicably lovable. Forever and ever.

Also, most males vamps are old-fashioned gentleman types; polite as fuck, but also kind of violent and obsessive in a way that would warrant a restraining order in real life.

In case you disagree, I present to you my evidence in long ass dissertation form below.

Angel and Buffy (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

Angel loves Buffy because she’s the Slayer. He has a soul so that separates him from his killer vampire colleagues. Buffy has a calling as a superhero, so that separates her from her friends. They are drawn together by their otherness.

Obviously they fall in love and fight evil together and shit like that. Angel initially doesn’t know much about her other than her whole Slayer gig and some other normal stuff that you would know about someone if you stalk them at the Bronze.

My inner 12 year-old says:

I’d like someone to match my otherness. I would like someone to safely stalk me because of this quirkiness I have and then eventually fall in love with me because we share this quirky lifestyle that no one else gets.  Too bad as soon as we have sex he’s just like all the other guys (vamps).

Sookie and Bill (True Blood)

Sookie is a waitress in a small Southern town. She kind of looks like a vampire in real life because of Anna Paquin’s sort of crazy teeth; I find this imperfection endearing for a Hollywood star. I don’t find her crappy acting endearing.

Anyway, Sookie can read minds. This is her big special thing. Bill the vampire comes into her life and he’s the first vampire she has met – different, unique and “other” as I’ve been saying. Even on top of that, she can’t read his mind. Sweet silence equals love. Bill is all into her and maybe because she’s a strange bird. It’s hard to tell with all the bad acting, which includes much head tilting down while eyes are looking up.

My inner 12 year-old says:

Being different (and then hearing people thinking about how weird I am) sucks.  Also, I can’t date because I can hear the pervy thoughts of the guys. I can finally have some sex with this guy since I can’t hear what he’s thinking.

Bella and Edward (Twilight book series and movie)

Poor Bella. She’s moved to a new town and feels like an outcast because she’s shy and in high school. High school sucks! She doesn’t fit in anywhere because…well, that’s how all high school kids feel. Particularly those who move from big cities to small towns.

Edward is all up in her business because she smells so goddamn good. And hey! He can read minds, but can’t read hers. It’s intriguing. And thus he loves her because he can’t kill her since he’s reformed. And she loves him because …well, I’m not sure on this one. I think because he treats her differently and likes her right away. Effortless otherness.

My inner 12 year-old says:

Bella is just.like.me. I totally hate high school and don’t fit in and neither does Bella. I’d love for some sexy weirdo to come swoop me away from this mundane bullshit. And also I’m clumsy and he’s got fast reflexes and can twinkle in the sun. Sex will be a challenge but it’s totally worth it if he will just breathe on me and touch my face a lot.

You get the picture right? Do you agree?

I didn’t even bring up other famous duos, and I entirely forget the Ann Rice vamps and if they follow this pattern (Kat might remember). I wish I remembered Blade because mainstream vamps seem to be white as hell and a little diversity would be refreshing. At least on True Blood there’s an overweight vampire (Milton from Office Space!), which made me happy to know that it’s an equal opportunity condition.

(I did find this post on mtv.com on the same topic, but it obviously lacks the academic integrity I have presented here today.)