By far and away the biggest posts on HC are the madonna! naked! and tony danza! naked! posts. As we are slowly moving away from posting regularly I felt compelled to share with you the most dire information I have on sexuality and so on; primarily, the mythology of Rasputin’s penis. And although he’s not really naked, I would be interested to see who ends up most popular with naked in the post title: Madonna, Tony Danza or Rasputin.

(I should point out that Tony Danza and this Rasputin post are inspired and sourced from a Jezebel post about 20 Famous Big Dicks.)

Apparently, Rasputin had a big dick. I don’t have any naked pictures but I do have a picture is what is believe by some to be his pickled penis (source):

Measuring 28.5cm (about 11 inches) – allowing for shrinkage caused by pickling…

Rasputin’s penis even has it’s own Wikipedia entry where they have documented some of the mythology around his dong. My favorite quote of a quote is:

One woman confessed that the first time she made love to him her orgasm was so violent that she fainted. Perhaps his potency as a lover also had a physical explanation. Rasputin’s assassin and alleged homosexual lover, Felix Yusopov, claimed that his prowess was explained by a large wart strategically situated on his penis, which was of exceptional size.

Strategic wart placement equals sexual prowess! Mountain Dew can be used as birth control! Spread the word kids.

There’s a lot of talk and then there’s this thing in a jar which may or may not be a penis. There are some skeptics out there who contend that the object is in fact a sea cucumber. Mostly because if all the stories and rumors are true then the penis should be dried out…not all fluffed up in a pickling jar as seen here:

What do you think? Penis or not?

I love me some naked photography. Done well. With taste. And maybe on film. Two projects I ran across recently:

-Zach Hyman has been snapping pictures of naked ladies quickly in public spaces all over New York which cumulated with a big fancy art show this summer. But what I really like about it is that he is exclusively using a big ol’ clunky Hasselblad to do so and shooting 10 frames in 30 seconds. His website and the New York Post article.

-

-

-

-Miru Kim has photographed the lost, dark, dirty and industrial places all over the world. As naked self portraits. Awesome I think. Her website.

Is it like a “thing” that girls don’t know how to give boys handjobs? This has come up twice recently and I’ve never really thought about it or heard that before.

I was thinking about it and I imagine that a mediocre blow job is still pretty good because a guy can’t do it himself but a mediocre hand job is kind of like “meh, I could handle this on my own.”

I know we have mostly girl readership but I’m curious if this is just one of those things.

Part of this blog originally was to share my nerdy science-y stuff with friends (I’m not a scientist though so keep that in mind as I fill you will false information about virology and cellular structure bullshit.) Let’s learn about STDs.

You know how they recently found that circumcision can protect men against acquiring (not sure about transmitting) HIV?  It’s been studied and shown to work in Africa (parts of Africa…it’s a fucking continent and we refer to it like it’s all the same…I’m guilty) with vaginal transmission (penis in the cooter). Here in the US our HIV problem is really among men who have sex with men (penis in butt). Different transmission should equal different approaches. But sometimes I wish it were as easy as telling people to cut off a hunk of their penis and everything will be ok.

Susie Bright has herpes. That’s an old post but I just saw it. She has some misinformation in there, but overall that’s a nice little post if you or someone you know has herpes.

The misinformation is the part about wrestling…I’m not sure where she’s getting that? Dr. Drew does this bullshit too where he talks about the smallest plausible events of getting herpes on your finger but for the most parts that is just not what happens. People have sex and get genital herpes. People rarely get herpes on their fingers or from wrestling (wrestlers should worry about staph infection; roller derby players should worry about staph infection!).

Like she says, you probably have it.

Em and Lo wrote about re-gifting sex toys. Nasty. You can recycle sex toys you know. But also, they are not entirely on point about STDs. Gonorrhea and Chlamydia wouldn’t really survive on a sex toy. Trich would. Hep B would (if there were blood) but you’ve probably been vaccinated.

Chlamydia might make you feel manlier. I know I love a man who can make me sterile.

That’s all I’ve got today in terms of taking the fun out of sex.

We are big on the mens lately it seems. And maybe all of my fodder is TV. But! I have been watching Hung on HBO, and while not the greatest show, it is not bad. I like objectifying men and stuff and secretly I am hoping they will show us his package, but I don’t think that is going to happen.  Jezebel did a good overview today that you should check out if curious about the show but don’t have cable. For now, you should watch this short SFW fake commercial in which Tanya (his PIMP) explains their services as “Happiness Consultants”:

Fellas, do you get uncomfortable sporting a boner while wearing your thong at the beach? I thought so. Luckily this little gem of an idea has been lingering in my blog reader for some time now and I feel that this fine summer Sunday I should share with you.

I present – the thong design that allows you to sport a full hard-on unimpeded (nsfw):

Free yourself and the rest will follow.

via BUST, via Village Voice.

flight of the conchords has finally grown on me.

You know we LOVE Weeds. And while I had never seen any of The University of Andy webisodes before, I think I just might start watching them as well. Andy Botwin on how to please a woman:

Previously: jerkin’ the gherkin

–

p.s. we are slow here. and busy in real life. you have seen this coming. how could you not? so we are figuring it out. maybe once a week? maybe facebook only? yeah. we will see.

–

p.p.s. go HERE to see some semi nudes of Mary-Louise Parker baking a pie for Esquire magazine…with pie recipe!

I just finished – sort of shamefully – the Twilight series. And also, sort of shamefully I watched the Twilight movie. And then (this is where it gets truly confessional), I kind of read up on the Comic Con panel about New Moon and maybe I even searched a little online about the movies and where they are going and what the new Jacob looks like and stuff like that. I feel dirty.

I’ve channeled this shame into true academic inquiry for you fair Hootchi Cootchi readers. I have been pondering, why exactly do gals (and some guys) love the vampires? This is a question I have pondered on the likes of Facebook with mixed results ranging from snarky (double penetration) to what I think is more true – the fantasy.

I’m really wondering because it’s not like there is just one vampire out there on TV or in movies. It’s not like Angel and Edward Cullen really have anything in common lookwise.

And the mythology of vampires is pretty varied. There’s the soulless killers of Buffy, to the “mainstreaming” Bills of True Blood surviving on synthetic blood, to the shamefully stupid glitter-in-the-sun Twilight vamps.

Finally, I think my vote is going into “it’s the fantasy” camp (thank you Becky). Specifically, I think it’s all about the fantasy of crazy obsessive love that doesn’t really require any of the work of a real relationship. Love that happens spontaneously and most often when the girl (since boys are overwhelming the vamps) has some sort of flaw that separates her from society but that’s what triggers the relationship.

Thus, vamp lovers (ugh, sorry) read/watch vamp fiction and imagine our flaws being lovable – not even normal lovable, but sexy love-making, crazy, obsessive, immediate and inexplicably lovable. Forever and ever.

Also, most males vamps are old-fashioned gentleman types; polite as fuck, but also kind of violent and obsessive in a way that would warrant a restraining order in real life.

In case you disagree, I present to you my evidence in long ass dissertation form below.

Angel and Buffy (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

Angel loves Buffy because she’s the Slayer. He has a soul so that separates him from his killer vampire colleagues. Buffy has a calling as a superhero, so that separates her from her friends. They are drawn together by their otherness.

Obviously they fall in love and fight evil together and shit like that. Angel initially doesn’t know much about her other than her whole Slayer gig and some other normal stuff that you would know about someone if you stalk them at the Bronze.

My inner 12 year-old says:

I’d like someone to match my otherness. I would like someone to safely stalk me because of this quirkiness I have and then eventually fall in love with me because we share this quirky lifestyle that no one else gets.  Too bad as soon as we have sex he’s just like all the other guys (vamps).

Sookie and Bill (True Blood)

Sookie is a waitress in a small Southern town. She kind of looks like a vampire in real life because of Anna Paquin’s sort of crazy teeth; I find this imperfection endearing for a Hollywood star. I don’t find her crappy acting endearing.

Anyway, Sookie can read minds. This is her big special thing. Bill the vampire comes into her life and he’s the first vampire she has met – different, unique and “other” as I’ve been saying. Even on top of that, she can’t read his mind. Sweet silence equals love. Bill is all into her and maybe because she’s a strange bird. It’s hard to tell with all the bad acting, which includes much head tilting down while eyes are looking up.

My inner 12 year-old says:

Being different (and then hearing people thinking about how weird I am) sucks.  Also, I can’t date because I can hear the pervy thoughts of the guys. I can finally have some sex with this guy since I can’t hear what he’s thinking.

Bella and Edward (Twilight book series and movie)

Poor Bella. She’s moved to a new town and feels like an outcast because she’s shy and in high school. High school sucks! She doesn’t fit in anywhere because…well, that’s how all high school kids feel. Particularly those who move from big cities to small towns.

Edward is all up in her business because she smells so goddamn good. And hey! He can read minds, but can’t read hers. It’s intriguing. And thus he loves her because he can’t kill her since he’s reformed. And she loves him because …well, I’m not sure on this one. I think because he treats her differently and likes her right away. Effortless otherness.

My inner 12 year-old says:

Bella is just.like.me. I totally hate high school and don’t fit in and neither does Bella. I’d love for some sexy weirdo to come swoop me away from this mundane bullshit. And also I’m clumsy and he’s got fast reflexes and can twinkle in the sun. Sex will be a challenge but it’s totally worth it if he will just breathe on me and touch my face a lot.

You get the picture right? Do you agree?

I didn’t even bring up other famous duos, and I entirely forget the Ann Rice vamps and if they follow this pattern (Kat might remember). I wish I remembered Blade because mainstream vamps seem to be white as hell and a little diversity would be refreshing. At least on True Blood there’s an overweight vampire (Milton from Office Space!), which made me happy to know that it’s an equal opportunity condition.

(I did find this post on mtv.com on the same topic, but it obviously lacks the academic integrity I have presented here today.)

Someone somewhere had this link from Wired about the 10 Worst Evolutionary Designs. I’m compelled to share the sexual/genitalia ones verbatim.

2 Hyena clitoris. When engorged, this “pseudopenis,” which doubles as the birth canal, becomes so hard it can crush babies to death during exit.

3 Kangaroo teat. In order to nurse, the just-born joey, a frail and squishy jellybean, must clamber up Mom’s torso and into her pouch for a nipple.

4 Giraffe birth canal. Mama giraffes stand up while giving birth, so baby’s entry into the world is a 5-foot drop. Wheeee! Crack.

6 Shark-fetus teeth. A few shark species have live births (instead of laying eggs). The Jaws juniors grow teeth in the womb. The first sibling or two to mature sometimes eat their siblings in utero. Mmm … siblings.

And my personal favorite:

8 Slug genitalia. Some hermaphroditic species breed by wrapping their sex organs around each other. If one of said members gets stuck, the slug simply chews it off. What. The. Hell?

Indeed.